A Declaration of Independence

Walking. Running. Riding a bike. Driving a car. So many childhood milestones are related to going somewhere—usually in a direction away from our parents.

If the third degree—Where will you be? What time will you be home? Are you really going to wear that?—sounds all too familiar (and annoying), congratulations. You’re likely a typical young adult itching for independence.

However, just because you’re ready to become Commander in Chief of your own life doesn’t always mean your parents are ready to relinquish authority. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to avoid the outbreak of World War III.

First off, recognize that this is absolutely 100 percent normal—and that both sides are simply doing their jobs. “The parents’ role is educating, protecting and socializing, and protection is a very big aspect, especially with children who have hemophilia,” says Chris Daddis, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University and an expert in normative adolescent development.

Moms and dads, however, must keep in mind their child’s quest for autonomy is not only natural, but also necessary to healthy mental and emotional development. To some parents it may feel like their teen or young adult is being selfish. But in reality he is simply following a fundamental need, something that occurs naturally in nature.

To help keep peace on the home front (while still advancing the cause), try some of the following strategies.

• Know when to fight and when to surrender. It’s important to understand there are two types of parental control. The first is behavioral control, which helps keep you out of trouble. “Good parents ask questions and want to know who you’re with and when you’ll be home. They have rules, they discipline, and they have consequences,” says Dr. Daddis. The other type of parental control involves personal decisions, like how you dress, how you wear your hair, and so forth. Too much control over these kinds of choices can backfire and cause undue emotional stress. Decide how important the issue is to you—and which category it falls into—then pick your battles.
• Realize change doesn’t happen overnight. If you’re still living at home it’s likely your parents will grant more and more freedom over time. If you’re looking to move out on your own, accept the fact that it may take some convincing. Start small, demonstrating that you’re responsible and that you can take care of yourself, even with little things such as managing your money. The more parents can see you succeed at being self sufficient, the better they’ll feel about letting you go.  
• Earn (and keep) your parent’s trust. We all know how tempting it can be to go behind our parent’s backs when they say no. After all, what they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? Wrong. Even if you get away with it this time you will eventually get caught—and ruin the trust you have built up for a long time. It’s just not worth it. And when they do say yes? Act responsibly by keeping in touch, getting home on time, etc. It’ll make it that much easier for them to say yes next time, too.
• Be calm, focused, and prepared. Any conversation about more independence can unleash your parent’s over-protectiveness, but none more so than wanting to move out. Whether it’s something as big as leaving the nest or as small as sleeping over at a friend’s house, give the topic some thought before bringing it up. Think about where your parents are coming from and what their concerns will be. Sometimes making a list can help. Next to each item write what you will do to alleviate their fear. For example, if mom worries how you would get to the doctor in case of a health problem, come up with a group of friends who could help you in an emergency. Acknowledge that you understand your parent’s concerns and rather than discounting them, show how you take them seriously by creating solutions. Also, use “I” statements such as “I feel” to keep accusations to a minimum and prevent parents from feeling defensive.
• Solicit help if needed. If you feel your parents are being unreasonable, see if you can enlist an ally. Try talking to an adult relative, family friend or even your doctor, and see if they will intervene on your behalf. Sometimes parents do make mistakes, especially when they care about you and worry about your health. Consider family counseling if your parents are having a particularly difficult time letting go.

Keep the lines of communication open. Your parents really do have your best interests at heart. Work to continue a warm and close relationship while still becoming independent and you’ll have the best of both worlds—the freedom you crave and the support system you may still need. In other words, a win-win for everyone.